VICTOR
Hey everyone. Welcome to the Healing Everyday Podcast. My name is Victor
DEANNA
And I'm Deanna.
VICTOR
What's up Deanna?
DEANNA
Um, not, not a whole lot. Uh, yesterday was my birthday. I'm 31. Yeah, super excited. Yeah. Yeah, 31. Um, did you know that on your birthday it's actually that you're finishing that year? So now I'm 31 and a day.
VICTOR
Yes.
DEANNA
Think about that. Finishing the 31st year. Uhhuh. . So now I'm on 32. You knows, cuz like when you are born and you celebrate your first birthday, it's the end of your first year. And that always kind of blew my mind. So like, when I was turned 30 last year, I was like, I'm not really 30, I'm finishing 30. It's very weird to think about. Anyway, I'm 31 now. Uh,
VICTOR
Everyone, Deanna has like this. I'm learning about Deanna even though I've known her for a while. I feel like I've known her all my life, which wouldn't make sense cuz she's only 31. Um, I like, she has like this ability to like get know, like she has all this knowledge. Like I, I mentioned the word cucumber and she'll tell me 10 stories about a Cucu .
DEANNA
I do that. I really do. I don't remember what it was the other day that I said to you about something. Um, did I ever tell you about male and female trees? I was talking to Matt about that the other day, that we have allergies so bad now because they got rid of so many female trees. Um, and female plants because female plants produce the fruit and the fruit causes a mess, right? But male trees release pollen. So there's all these pollinators and not as much fruit, uh, you know, in public spaces. So that's one of the theories is why people have such bad allergies. Now
VICTOR
What does that have to do with not having, what does having less female trees have to do with more?
DEANNA
Because female trees don't release pollen into the air like male trees do. And so they, it's, it's like , it's like ecos sexism that they have gotten rid of female trees cuz they don't want the fruit everywhere. Isn't that crazy? See, anyway, I was telling someone else about that, but there was something Yeah. That I said something to you the other day and you're like, I did not know that. I'm like, well actually, I don't even know if that's true. .
VICTOR
See, you're making stuff up.
DEANNA
I, I could be, I could be. Or maybe that I saw TikTok and now I think I'm an expert. But we all do that. I think. I think, you know. So anyway, yeah, 31, um, on my 31st birthday, I, I was off that day. Didn't work that day, but I had a doctor's appointment and then, uh, and then I had therapy in the evening and we were kind of talking about what we were gonna talk about on today's podcast. And my, my therapist, uh, therapist. Therapist, um, shout out Margaret. We were talking about things that we construct in our head, you know, stories that we tell ourselves, she calls it narratives and how, you know, the feelings are very real, but we construct a story that leads to more feelings that lead to us experiencing these feelings that have nothing to do with what we know and what we actually have experienced.
Right? Um, so the one I was telling Victor about is like before, so Victor and I are friends, right? Um, but you know, he's also my boss. When, when I first started working with him and he would text me like, Hey, I need you to gimme a call. I mean, I dreaded it and I would be so freaked out, like, oh my God, for some reason he's, he wants to talk about something serious. Okay? Obviously he wants to fire me. Obviously I've done something wrong. So leading up to the phone call, I would just be like panicked and terrified. And then we'd get on the phone and he'd be like, Hey, I just wanted to check and see if the headshot you sent me was the one you want. Looks great. Uh, bio looks good. You spelled a couple words wrong, which I always do.
And, you know, I just wanna make sure everything was good and, and I would be like almost sick with relief then, because I was like, oh, it was not what I projected it to be. And then I was, you know, again, relieved. But all that buildup, that, that hour, two hours or whatever, I would just be like distraught because I made myself think that everything, it was all gonna lead up to something bad that ultimately didn't even happen. You know? So it's not, I mean, the feelings were real, but all of that buildup in my head, I did that to me by constructing this narrative in this story, you know? Um, and I, and Victor said like, he thinks a lot of people do it. Like, I mean, you're, you're a little bit older than me, Victor, so you've had a little bit more time of healing, but do you feel like you still do that? Or have you done it?
VICTOR
Um, well first of all, I'm 20 years older than you, so that's not a little,
DEANNA
I was trying to be nice. ,
VICTOR
I'm 20 years older than you. I, we talked about that the other day. Um, and it's funny cuz I, I don't look at you as being someone who is 20 years younger than me. Well, first of all, you're a very mature person for your age, uh, most of the time, .
But you're, you're, well anyway, you're very smart and all that. Um, and you're, you know, you are well-rounded in terms of knowing culture and you've taught me many things. But yeah, I do. I I I do think, uh, people do that. I mean, I'm sure not everybody does, but at some point, I mean, don't we all just kind of, you know, things happen, whatever it is, and you, you create something in your mind that's not even the reality of what, what's really going on. I mean, they say we have like thousands and thousands and thousands of thoughts per day, and most of them aren't even true. You know, and that's, this is an aside note, I wasn't even planning on bringing this up, but it does remind me of Byron Katie, I have talked about her before. She has a book called Loving What is, and it's all about questioning your stressful thoughts, not your good thoughts, your stressful thoughts.
And she, you, through this process called the work and it's four questions and a turnaround. Is it true what you're thinking and, and saying to yourself, can you absolutely know it's true? How do you feel when you think that thought? Who would you be without the thought? Which is kind of cool. And then turn it around and we find out that the turnaround is just as true or even truer than the original stressful thought. Um, so, oh boy, I wish I could share an example that recently happened to me, but I don't, I don't think it's appropriate for the podcast . But I wanna go back to, um, you brought this up before our, our, you know, hitting record. Um, when I was a kid, I remember, um, I lived across, I lived on a dead end and it was a creek. It was beautiful.
We lived on this waterway and our backyard, you know, went up against this waterway and across that creek was the backyard of my best friend's house. And we were best friends. We played all the time. We, we just, we had sleepovers and literally across the bridge was his house. And it, it was such a great time in my life considering that, in, in terms of, that was a really good time in my life considering everything I had been going through. Although it was kind of a scary place too, because at night it would get really dark and it was very quiet on our street. Anyway, there was a specific time, I'll never forget now, we had, there was three of us in our group, you know, we were best friends. Well, one day I'm standing up in my window, this is , it's still brings back this empty feeling.
But, uh, uh, kind of an uncomfortable feeling. But I look out my window and the, my two best friends are playing in the backyard and they never called me . And I, there I am laughing mm-hmm. . Um, I, I, you know, you start thinking like they don't, why didn't they ask me to play with them? You know? I was probably like nine years old. They didn't ask me to play. They left me out. Um, I'm less than, I'm not good enough. It was, I can remember just looking out there and I got this sinking feeling when I could have been doing a gazillion other things. And I remember my father, my father used to lay on the floor in the family room to watch the football games on Sunday. And he would sit there, I, I'll never forget this, he'd put an ashtray and a cookie sheet. So if he fell asleep, his cigarette would hit a cookie sheet and not start a fire. .
Oh my gosh. I never, I haven't thought about that in years. And then he would eat pizza next to him, would've pizza, and then give the crust to the dog. the dog would just be right there eating. Cause my father had, oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm sharing this, but I'm going to, it's fantastic. My father had, uh, a py when he was in his thirties. So he lost all his teeth in his thirties and he never, he never got bottom teeth. So his top teeth were dentures, but you never knew he didn't have bottom teeth. He trained his mouth to look like he had teeth. Mm-hmm. . But he would chew corn on the cob with no bottom teeth better than anyone I could ever know who had teeth, but certain things. And then he built, he probably built up a lot of, you know, strength in his gum.
Mm-hmm. anyway. And then he couldn't eat certain things cuz it was too hard. So he would give the dog the crust. Anyway, but I had this vision of my father smoking, watching the game ashtray in the cookie sheet. And I told him, I go, they don't want me to, I mean, they're playing and you know, he started swearing like, who gives a f ? Just, who cares? Just don't worry about it. Um, just watch the game have fun. So even though in the middle of his kind of difficult time, that was pretty good wisdom. He's like, you know, but my father didn't understand that there's feelings involved. Right. But he can say, he is like, they're over there. What, what do you, there's nothing you can do about it. Just, just do something here. You don't need them. You know, my father went right for the other end of it.
Um, but I, I constructed all these stories in my head. They don't like me. They don't want, you know, you don't know. It could have been, his parents asked them to watch the, their son for the night and he spent the night and they didn't even think of calling me. So I do think we still do that today. And, and I still do. I don't do it as much, but anytime there's something going on, um, there's been times when certain people, um, I'll text them and I don't get a text back right away. And I start thinking something's up. Or I leave a message for somebody and I don't get a phone call right away. We start thinking about, again, these narratives of did I do something wrong? And I, and I do, and I want you to talk on this, but I do, I do associate a lot of that with the trauma we've experienced because I was raised to, you know, not only put aside my abuse, but my father's abuse at home with, I didn't close the door correctly. I remember I sliding door, I didn't close it all the way he would freak out. So I kept thinking, you know, I did it wrong, I did it wrong. So that's the kind of thoughts we start having and it just becomes a habit. And that's what it all comes down to.
DEANNA
I think it does. So in you, I shared with everybody before I do cognitive behavioral therapy and you know, it's a lot about like in the here and now, what patterns do I wanna have? What patterns do I have? And do those patterns I'm currently using still serve me the way they serve me in childhood? So one of the patterns that I'm working on is negative self-judgment, which means I'm bad. Everything bad that happens is my fault and I deserve it. Um, and it's, it's a, it's a very, very vulnerable thing to talk about in general. Um, and I, I love having a therapist that I can just be so open with cuz there is no judgment from her at all. And, and because of that, even when I feel so terrified to talk about something and talk about these narratives that I have now that don't serve me anymore, I'm still so scared to, to open up about them because of that feeling of I deserved what I'm about to talk about.
So I, there's always a trigger warning on our podcast. But one of the things I shared, you know, my 18th birthday and my birthday in general serve as a very big trigger for me. And we have, we have talked about in therapy how that could potentially be the rest of my life. I don't know what I don't know right? Until I'm there every year, I don't know if it's gonna impact me. And I'm so glad we ended up having therapy on my birthday, cuz I've been having a lot of dreams lately about my parents and about trying to escape. And you know, I shared with her that, uh, you know, my 18th birthday was very, very difficult. Um, my mom was really, really mad at me cuz I drove my girlfriend home and she didn't want me to drive my car, but I did cuz I didn't want my friend to walk home at night.
And when I got back home, she screamed at me and swore at me. And the next morning, uh, I asked her if I could take my car to school with my younger sister. And she said, no. And I just, I, I did this thing, it's called like gray rocking, where you don't give someone who has an like a narcissistic attitude. You don't give them a reaction. You just remain kind of neutral, so you're not giving them what they want. So I just said, okay. And I went to walk away, she spit on me and it was, it's, it's still very difficult to know that I lived through that. And now all these years later, the last time she spit on me was today May 5th, 2010. Right? And it's, it is so vivid in my mind, but in that moment when it happened, I had constructed my entire life up until the day after my 18th birthday that in some way I deserved that, that to make it make sense in my head, I must have done something so horrible and so wrong in order to be treated that way.
So anytime something bad happens in my life, um, I get sick. Um, my son goes in the hospital, um, my husband has to go to a doctor's appointment. Um, somebody cancels on me. And I I expected them. I had an idea that they were gonna show up for me. It must be because I'm bad. You know, it must be because I, I, I deserve this because Deanna is not deserving of the love and compassion. Right? So we were talking yesterday and I'm sitting with those very uncomfortable feelings and she goes, well, you know, we do love our stories. She goes, what you shared with me is, is a part of your life. And she goes, but the narrative that you're going with is still that negative self-judgment, that it is still in some way your fault up here cognitively. I know no child, me no child deserves that there is nothing a child could do to deserve what my parents did to me.
Right? There's not. But that feeling I still get when I think about it is proof that my internal system still believes it on some level, the feeling I get when I talk about it. Right? So that feeling of I'm bad, uh, uh, I'm projecting that bad things are gonna happen and that is somehow my fault. You know, that is, that is that narrative. It's that pattern I had to believe as a kid, and it's something I've been working on since 2015, you know, this, this, um, very emotional work. That's why we say healing every day, you know, because it, it is the rest of our life. Now, there was a quite a few year period where I was out of therapy from 2019, I think to 2021, I think maybe two years. And I was doing great and I was managing, and I was able to call out those thoughts and that feeling of I'm bad wasn't nearly as powerful.
And then when school started for Harry and I started realizing that he's going, he's experiencing things and there's gonna be things I can't control and bad things are gonna happen, I started thinking, well, that must be my fault. And I was like, wow, maybe I need to go back. Maybe I need to go back because I wanna be as present as I can for him. And it's hard to be present for him and for myself if I am in the throes of I'm bad. And it sounds so simple. Like, I would love to be able to just snap my fingers and not believe that, and not project that all these bad things that are happening are because I am unlovable. Right. And that's why I went back, you know, and, and I do think, you know, we are human. We could do this the rest of our lives. I just hope it doesn't happen as powerfully and as often as it does right now. You know? Yeah.
VICTOR
I, um, I have noticed in, in my life lately, things that, let's put it this way, the awareness of these kinds of situations to me is a breakthrough. The very awareness of it, huge breakthrough understanding how I'm understanding what is, why things are happening sometimes in my life, uh, without getting into too many details, but I, I think, um, I'm getting more and more self-aware and I am, you know, I'm starting to realize, and, and people say, well, it's because you're getting older and you're starting to realize that, you know, life is precious. And, and, and that's true. I mean, I, there's a lot of people in my surrounding area that are very sick, and it's making me realize that, you know, you know, we don't have forever. And, and, and there is a part of that awareness where I am starting to, um, for example, I cook my dog for a walk the other day, and I was going through something emotionally and I stopped and I said, wait a second. Let, let's back up here. Like, I'm taking my dog for a walk. I'm going to enjoy this walk and whatever is going on, I, I can work through it. And I am more than, than what I'm thinking about. And I, and I'm simplifying it, but my, my point is becoming more aware of as the studying I'm doing is being conscious of your unconscious thoughts. You know, seeing the times when you are thinking, it's like thinking about your thinking.
DEANNA
That's called metacognition. Yeah. So that's called metacognition. Yeah.
VICTOR
So this is it. I just say something and Deanna just, just find it and say what page of the book it's located in . But no, it's, it, that's what I think is really important now, especially where, where I'm at on my journey is to, you know, thoughts are gonna happen. Things are gonna happen, but why am I doing it? Why am I reacting that way? Or why am I doing this and can I change it now without getting into too many personal things at Deanna knows a lot of what's going on in my life. But, um, and, and I think, here's the thing. There's times I feel that this is kind of interesting that I'm bringing this up, but that I call you whether I'm complaining or venting, maybe there's a difference that, that's becoming a habit. Hmm. And, and not that I, you're, you're one of my best friends that I can share those. I think I said, is that the first time I said that? No,
DEANNA
No. But I always make the joke that I'm, you're my best friend, but I'm not yours. But now we have it. Today is May 5th, it's 2 58 central time. Victor said, I'm one of his best friends. Just saying No.
VICTOR
But I, I think there comes a point where, you know, if, if you keep focusing on something over and over again, that starts to become your reality. Mm-hmm. and, you know, uh, focus turns into feelings. Yes. There's truth behind that. So that's where I'm kind of at now, where I, I'm the kind of person I can't hold stuff in. I ha I am someone who I like to share because I like, now there's a question, am I sharing because I want someone to be on my side? Or am I sharing because I truly want to get someone else's perspective? And there's times I think with you that I do both mm-hmm. , um, you know, but, but perspective is probably number one on my list because you have a great perspective on things and you've gone through a lot of stuff in your life and you're only 31 years old that you've, you've gone through and you've had That's what I think too.
You know, all the trauma, all the, you know, all the obstacles in our lives. If you can find a, a, a silver lining behind it, it's that it's, it's, it's helped us to grow. And, and if you use it properly, you know, it's like, you know, a superhero for good as opposed for evil . Mm-hmm. , you can use it to help you grow and to help you, uh, help other people. And I think that's what we do. But anyway, my point is, I, I think it's about, for me, it's self-awareness and I'm becoming more self-aware and that it's okay, you've taught me that to feel what I'm feeling, but also that, um, I'm not wrong. Mm-hmm. , I could be wrong about if something happens, you know, in a relationship where, you know, I did something that was, you know, dumb or whatever, stupid, you know, whatever. But my point is I'm not wrong. Like I'm not a wrong person, you know? Yeah. And I think a lot of people who have gone through a lot of trauma live their life thinking they're wrong. And that's, that's very, that's an, that's a very bad place to live.
DEANNA
It is. I mean, that's what my therapist told me yesterday, cuz I told her over this last week and a half, I was really, really struggling. And, uh, you know, I had, I, I had work. I mean, I could physically go to work. I could go to work and it, you know, I could get up, I could do my job, I could inspire. Um, I know that if I can't go to work, it, it is what it is, right? Like, I'm not gonna get in trouble for not going to work. Right. But I, I told my therapist that all these feelings I was having over the last week, I was making a choice to take them and, and set them aside while I was going to work so I could access a different type of emotional piece in my life so I could do the work.
And then after work, I was crying and I was, I was, I was in so much like emotional pain over the last week and a half. And, um, she, she said, well, Deanna, I want you to understand that all of the feelings were totally valid and every feeling you feel was totally valid. Um, she goes, but, you know, those feelings came from those narratives and those constructions, she goes, and those, you know, we can choose to stay in that life and, and stay in that path. Some people choose that. She goes, and so, but you've told me you wanna choose something different. And she's right. You know, I think there is a difference between complaining, venting, sharing. I, i, there there is differences in a mall. And I think that on some days, sometimes you just have to vent. Like, I'll tell Matt, my husband, you know, I just need you to listen.
I'm not asking you to solve anything right now, just listen. Um, and sometimes I need help solving a problem. And I think you and I do a pretty good job of establishing, you know, boundaries in a conversation. Or I'll ask, are you asking for advice? You know, so we can know what we're doing. Um, but I think you're right. You know, if you were calling anyone every other day and saying, you know, all the time, well, I'm, I'm, I'm so mad about this and I'm struggling. What happens is, is instead of working on whatever the issue is, you just feel better in the moment by talking about it. And then you move on and nothing ever changes. Right. And I mean, I did that for years. I did that for years talking about my parents, um, because I didn't know what else to do with it. Right. I did not know what else to do with it until I found a different pattern and a different way to have that outlet. I wasn't wrong, I wasn't bad, but it's exhausting to live in that space.
VICTOR
Oh, okay. Let me ask you a question. So for the listeners, I I, we don't have a, we're not spending a ton of time on this, uh, but what's something you can, you've done that you would share that if someone is kind of going through this narrative in their head, uh, what's a way that they can start to deconstruct that construction that was in their head? That's not necessarily true, but what, what's something they can do to, to start? I mean, I know what I do now, and I've been doing it now for three and a half weeks, but I can talk about that. So go ahead.
DEANNA
Yeah. Um, so my, what I, again, my therapy , uh, my therapist always says the reality check, and what are the facts? What are the facts, Diana, can, could this be proven in a court of law? Can you say, without a doubt that this has happened and this is going to happen? You know? So a lot of it is very much so slowing down, you know, because when I become ungrounded, you can tell I talk very, very fast. Um, my voice changes pitch. Uh, I, I do it less than I did before, but sometimes I still do it. And, uh, you know, part of that is when that happens, I just pretty much still have to shut myself off verbally. So I can really think about, well, where did that, that line of speaking, where did it start? What feeling did it start with that led to a thought then, then led to my behavior?
It's called the behavioral triad, right? How your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors all work together. And so, I, I never give people advice, right? I can give my perspective on what's worked for me. Um, but what works for me is really reality Checking it, like talking about my mom, you know, spitting on me as a kid. What are the facts? The facts were that I was a child when she began doing that. I was in, I don't know, kindergarten. The facts are that no child would ever deserve that. The facts are that my mom, I won't give her the out and say that she was sick. Um, but she was very, very unwell in the way that she thought the world worked and how she could work through the world, you know? Um, the fact is, is that she taught me something very, very wrong that I deserved that. And the fact is, is I'm trying to unlearn it now. Right.
VICTOR
That's great. Just the very fact that you said a reality check. Mm-hmm. puts all of that noise at a standstill.
DEANNA
It is noise. It is noise,
VICTOR
Noise. Let's reality check. Okay, you were a child, your mom did something that a child would do to another child. .
DEANNA
Right? Right. That maybe a child without a fully developed brain, right?
VICTOR
Yes. Right, right. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah. An adult, so you can, what's the reality of it? Like, again, what's, what's true? What's the real truth behind it? Well, that's really powerful.
DEANNA
And I can say what my feeling is. My feeling right now is that, um, for the most part, I view that exactly as I just said it. I was a child. I didn't deserve it. But there is still a small piece of me, and this is where the awareness comes in that still gets that sinking feeling like I deserved it. And that's where the work comes in. You know, like you said, so much of the battle is just raising the awareness. My therapist never says, I'm proud of you, Deanna. She does not patronize me. Right. But she does say, um, that's, that's amazing. That's really good. You worked on that this week. It was an opportunity for you to work on your skills. You raised your awareness. You were aware that you still had that feeling. You were aware that you were constructing narratives. And that's very powerful. I'm like, yes, did , I'm like, yes, I did that. Like, and that is something to, you know, what do we say, don't celebrate at the finish line? Celebrate every step of the way. Yes. That's what we have to do.
VICTOR
Yes. Yeah. That's, that's again, getting back to, and I've said this many times, uh, one of the ways that I work on my healing every day is to, you know, I have a goal or just to, to, again, I I, I strongly feel there are two ways to live your life. There's the science of achievement, which is a, a, a recipe of if you wanna do something, whatever your goal is, to get a new job, to go on vacation, whatever, there's a recipe. Know what you want, know why you want it, and then take necessary steps. And if one's not working, then do something else. You keep doing it until you are able to get to where you want to go. Okay. But the problem is, so many people create that goal and then they're, they're trying to get to it, thinking they have to get to it before they can be happy.
Mm-hmm. . Right? And the problem with that is, you get the goal, or you don't get the goal and you're onto something else. So you're, it's like a, a a, the hamster wheel. You just keep spinning and spinning and spinning. So why not be happy along the way? And that's where I create my daily wins, because, and, and I measure backwards. So, you know, you, you can, if you keep measuring forwards to that horizon line, I'm going to the horizon line, the horizon. It's an, it's a, it's not there, , it doesn't exist in your, in our brain. Like we, we, we see it, we can draw it on a piece of paper, but you keep running and running and running, you're never gonna get to it. So at the end of the day, no matter how many obstacles there were that day, I, I go backwards and say, okay, what went well today?
And, and then you, you honor that mm-hmm. , you honor that, that's number one. Art of fulfillment is that very thing. It's different for everybody. One's a science that means it's, this is how you do it, it's a recipe, boom, boom, boom. And then there's also the art of fulfillment, which is different. So what makes you happy is different than what makes me happy. But, but you, what you, what you can do is the, the phrase or the, the idea is, is to not achieve the goal and then be happy, happily achieve the goal. Yes. So, so we're always gonna be working on, on ourselves. So why not happily work on yourself? Because one day, , I'll be at Starbucks, and yesterday I was at Starbucks, all these people probably in their eighties sitting there in their, in sitting in their, their walkers and, and talking about whatever we're gonna get there.
Like, we're gonna, if we're lucky, we're gonna be 80 years old sitting there talking about our grandchildren, our, you know, some cases great-grandchildren. It's gonna happen. So happily achieve along the way. And something I've been doing now, when I say three and a half weeks, I've been doing it longer, but almost every day, I, I meditate now every day, every morning when I wake up, I get up earlier now before we're supposed to get up and I meditate for 20 minutes, and I won't get into the meditation that I do, but it's different for everybody. Uh, but what works for me is to really start, you know, there's a phrase that I've learned from, if, if anyone doesn't know this guy, his name is Dr. Joe Dispenza amazing. He talks about you can live your life. Two ways to have to live in the memory of the past, or a vision of the future.
Mm-hmm. . And I love that. So that's kind of what I do, um, every day to kind of work on myself. And I think it's raising my personal awareness because all those things that have happened to us, all the traumas, all the, you know, the adversity, it's in the past, right? It doesn't mean, you know, we try to live with it. And on some aspects I've let go of it. Like, the only reason why I think about abuse now, I, I don't sit around and I, I'll be honest, for me, this is for me only. I don't sit around and dwell in what he did to me. Mm-hmm. , I do think about it when I bring it up in school because I had a, I had a, a student the other day, what did he actually do to you? And right away it goes right into my head of what he was doing to me that day.
I don't get, you know, uh, you know, I don't get, uh, taken back by it. I just say, I choose not to talk about it. I just say it was very, very painful. Um, the image can be there if I want it to be there, but I choose to just, and this is something that, you know, 51 years old, I've gotten to a point where it used to be very vivid in my mind. Now it, it only comes up at certain moments. Um, but it's, but it's okay cuz I've been able to work through it, um, as best as I can. So I don't know that, that's just my thoughts on that.
DEANNA
Yeah. And for me, um, you know, I don't often think about the actual acts of what my dad did to me or my mom. Um, I mean, I, I, again, I don't, I what my, what I learned in the therapy and, and the partial hospitalization program was going back into the war stories. The very detailed abuse is very painful and triggering, and it can't, it, it most likely will be for the rest of our lives. Right. Um, that, that moment when we first think about it. Um, but it's not necessarily that, that I spend time on. It's more so now how it's impacting my life today. And it doesn't impact me in one specific way. It impacts me about the, I'm bad. It impacts me that I deserve this. It impacts my self-esteem. Not all the time, not every moment, but I know where that comes from.
It comes from that trauma. And you know what? We have made the decision to dive back into our pain and hurt. And I've, I, I don't know if I've said it on the podcast and maybe I wrote it in a blog. Um, you know, sometimes kids will ask me, don't you get so sad talking about this? Why get you Sure I do. I'm a human and if I'm gonna feel my feelings, I'm gonna feel sad while I share my story. But if someone connects and sees that asking for help is possible, and that life with healing does go on, then our sadness served its purpose. Yes. You know, not just for us to feel, but we, we wanna take that pain and turn it into power. Not everybody wants to do that. And I respect that. You know, not everybody wants to share their story the way we do.
And I actually appreciate that because they know what's best for them. For us. We wade back through the trauma we do. I mean, it's healing for us, for sure. Um, but I, I agree. I don't wanna dwell on, on the war stories. No. Yes. We share them. Yeah. I, I'm, I've been writing, I I write about them. Right. And it's not easy. And so I don't wanna dwell on that. Rather, what I want to focus on when I have the opportunity is those patterns that no longer serve me. So yeah. Um, the narratives and sometimes we get up in our head, we are human right, and we do love our stories, but the, the awareness and knowing it's okay to talk about it and share and work on it. I mean, I feel like that's such freedom.
VICTOR
That's great. Like I always say, I love that
DEANNA
. I love that. Shout out Jenny . I haven't been on live in like two weeks because it has been such a, an emotional rollercoaster with work. I mean, you know, we are guys, by the way, we are so close to Summer . We are so close. Um, but it has been, I haven't been on live, which you know how much I love live and I love getting up and doing my makeup and chatting with everybody. That's like my morning meditation is chatting with people that it's not work related. It's not, you know, just running something. It's just literally having conversation. Um, and I'm so excited to jump back into that. Like, once we get through this, the last bit of stress from work, just to have fun in the morning again.
VICTOR
Yes. Absolutely. All right. I think we're good. I think that was, yeah.
DEANNA
Great.
VICTOR
Um, everyone, thank you. Please, if you can share this with as many people as possible, we are really all about, um, creating very valuable and positive content. And that is really our goal. And to, and to help people while we're helping ourselves to heal every day. So, uh, until next time, everyone, uh, be present, be playful, and be powerful
DEANNA
And be happy. Be healthy. Be safe.
VICTOR
Thank you. Bye.
