VICTOR
Hey everyone. Welcome to the Healing Everyday Podcast. My name is Victor,
DEANNA
And I'm Deanna.
VICTOR
How are you Deanna?
DEANNA
So good. I, uh, I presented today, I was at the school today that Victor was at on Monday. Uh, right Monday, yes. Right. Or two days, whatever. Um, not that you guys care what day of the week is, but it's kind of cool when we get to do that. Like we're you're at part of the school and I'm at the end of the part of the school and we get to see the same staff members. Um, it, it was really, really good. I only had four presentations, which is a small amount, considering sometimes we do five or six. And, and it went really great. How was your day?
VICTOR
Uh, my day was good. Just been working on things, um, trying to continue building our mission and, and getting it out there. And what's interesting today is we just finished recording a Catch the Message podcast. So for those of you that have been, uh, you know, avid listeners of The Healing Everyday Podcast, check out our Catch the Message podcast. They're very short little podcasts, really talking about what we experience at schools through disclosures of students and, uh, many times, uh, adults, staff that have shared their personal stories. Which is interesting because what I wanna do today is start this podcast with basically you kind of saying again what we talked about, because I think it really can lead to a, a great discussion on why we're even doing this podcast in terms of healing every day. So, go ahead.
DEANNA
Yeah, for sure. Okay. So, uh, the school that I was at, uh, yesterday, Victor and I were in the same district at the same time yesterday, but we were just at different schools. And I had actually presented at this school last year. I, it it's a middle school, and they, it was kind of wild because the kids remembered me. Now, I'm not saying kids don't remember us, but when we go to a school, sometimes it's been a year since we've been there, sometimes I wasn't even there a year ago. Victor was. So it's been two years since kids saw me. So what, like, when kids remember us, it, it's kind of cool, right? Um, they always remember Tic-Tac NoGo. They never forget that, but for them to like, remember my name, remember my son's name, cuz I talk about my son, you know, it was, it was very, very cool.
But I do my four presentations again, it was only four, which was very nice. And I, I finished the last one, which was eighth grade, and a staff member came up to me and, and she had said, um, oh, you might not remember me. And I did remember her, um, because last year she had come up to me and, and disclosed to me about her own abuse. And she was holding something in her hand when I saw her yesterday. Um, but last year when I had saw her, I, I do what I often do, I validate and, you know, I said, Hey, if you ever wanna chat, here's I I, my email, it was before I had a business card and I wrote it down for her just on a piece of paper and I gave it to her. Well, when she came up to me yesterday, she had that same piece of paper and she said that she keeps it in her, in her date book or her journal.
Um, she just keeps it with her and she sees it every day. And she said that she had pulled it out and kept it in her pocket today. And, and that she had hoped I was the presenter. And I was, and she came back up to me to, uh, yesterday to, to talk about it. And, you know, she, she had tears in her eyes and so did I. And she had shared with me that when she disclosed to me last year, um, she was 69 years old and I was the first person she had ever told the first person. And, and, um, it's such an honor to be a safe person like that. Um, but she shared with me, she goes, I'm 70 years old now, and I'm, I'm just now talking about it. And, and she said, you know, when you're right, it's, it's finding a voice.
It's never too late to talk about it. It's never too late to tell. And it's true. It's absolutely true. You know, sometimes I feel like we have this idea that like, it's too late to get justice. It's too late to, you know, get that person in trouble. It's too late to prevent abuse. It's really not. And, and really when we say it's never too late to tell, we mean it's never too late to get yourself support and help. And, uh, I gave her my actual business card yesterday, and I said, well keep this too. And she said she's actually retiring. And I, uh, we both live in the same area. And I told her, please, it would be so nice for us to get together. And a again, I I said this on, on catch the message. Um, it's not about me. It's not about me and feeling honored, but it is an honor Yeah. To have people see us as safe people. And it's also amazing to watch someone who, who could have, as so many of us have said about our own story, could have taken it to the grave, never talked about it, and she didn't. She made a choice that day.
VICTOR
Do you, do you know why she waited so long to talk about it?
DEANNA
Did she I don't, I don't, I mean, we can always guess. And I'm sure at, at some point when, when she, when we get coffee together, we, we could talk about it. Um, but my, my guess would be, you know, if she's 70, that means she was growing up in an era that you didn't talk about this. Right. I mean, we, it's still kind of that way now, but it's much better. Um, but this idea that you, we don't educate on it. If this happened, it's your fault. Or, or maybe even just that feeling that you can't put words to. And so you don't feel strong enough to tell. Right. And and I, I think because of the way you have designed the program and the way that we say, don't be like me. It's never too late to tell, uh, y you know, it's, it's okay to use your voice. Actually, we want you to do that. I think that really clicked for her last year.
VICTOR
Right. It's, it's interesting too because we've talked about where kids have seen the program multiple years and on the third year they come forward and talk. It's, it's just when the timing is right, when it's, it's meant to be mm-hmm. it happens and it just, it could be a word, it could be a phrase, uh, we've talked about where, um, I had someone come forward after I, I had said, don't let days turn in the weeks, weeks turn in the months, months turn in the years and end up end up like me for 11 years. That was actually said back to the counts of the social worker. He actually said, I I don't want to be like Victor and, and have my years, my days turn into months, et cetera, et cetera, and be old to talk about this. So , it's kind of interesting that, you know, you just don't know what is gonna catch with people.
Um, and the fact that this woman had the courage at almost 70 years old to share with you, that is a big deal. And, and Oh yeah. And I know you're, you're talking lightly about feeling honored and you know, it's not about you. Well, it, it kind of is because you are the one now you didn't do it for her, but you're the one that put it out there. And she grabbed it and said, she caught the message. And she said, oh my gosh, it's time for me to talk about it. So that is, that's an incredible win that, again, we don't talk enough about like all these, and there's things that we don't ever hear kids coming forward because of what we've said or whatever we've done. Um, that's a very powerful thing that, you know, that we do and that you did for her. That was a gift. She gave you a gift. You gave her a gift
DEANNA
Absolutely. And I know, I, I know for sure I've said this on the podcast at some point, uh, where, you know, it, courage is not ours to give away. Right? We can't give someone that we cannot bestow courage on upon another person, but we can share. And those who need to connect and, and feel touched by our light, um, they can build up their courage. Um, a a friend of mine, uh, a couple of years ago said something to me that, uh, has absolutely stuck with me about disclosures, that disclosures of sexual abuse happen when courage and opportunity meet, right? So, um, you could have a kid that has all the courage in the world, right? Uh, or an adult who feels so courageous, but maybe each time that they've told that they felt like it was an opportunity, they were shot down like I was right. Or, or they, they told a little bit and didn't get a good reaction. So they didn't tell the whole story,
VICTOR
Or they were waiting for the right moment to say it. And, and that right
DEANNA
Moment felt like it never came. The
VICTOR
Right moment is just now. It, it's never gonna be the right moment .
DEANNA
Absolutely. Exactly. And ex and that's exactly true. Like, it, you're never just like, when you have kids, like you're never really prepared. Right? Exactly. And, but, but you could also have someone that has what, what seems like all the opportunity in the world. They go to school and have safe adults. They have a safe family. They have, they play sports, they have all of these people in their life that would help them, but, but they just don't feel like they're courageous. Now, I believe that we all have courage and sometimes we think we don't because courage, it comes from fear. You don't get to walk around going, I'm brave, I'm courageous. That's, that's how it works. You have to feel fear and terror in order to rise up with courage.
VICTOR
That's what courage is. It
DEANNA
Is. It absolutely is. And, and, you know, sometimes I think we feel that fear, courage is, and I don't know if this is, if this, this is by definition, courage is like the action from fear, right? It's, it's doing things despite that fear. And, and I think that well, um, well maybe for many, many years she did not feel courageous. I mean, to survive that long with that unsafe secret required courage. And I think just hearing someone openly, authentically, not without fear, but without reservation, Hmm. I stood there and I told my story and, uh, that she saw the opportunity to come up and share with me. And those, those are the kinds of things like we never forget, right? We, we really don't. I mean, I'm sure that there's disclosures that have happened over the last decade that unless someone reminded me of them, I, I couldn't sit here and tell you the hundreds of disclosures. It's, it's hard to sit there and come up with them, but they're with us. We carry those stories,
VICTOR
Right? Yeah. It's, it's, um, it reminds me of, uh, when I go to this one school, um, I go every health rotation, I work with the eighth graders and we talk about resiliency, uh, bouncing back, overcoming adversity, call it whatever you want. And I always start out with, well, I do a song. I I, for those of you that don't know, I, I, I sing, I perform, I have been for a very, very long time. I've written a bunch of songs and I, I wrote a song called the B Song, which is really about taking the, the term true nobility, which I won't, we can do a whole podcast on that. But true nobility, for those of you that don't know, is a term I learned from Dr. Wayne Dyer, who obviously didn't make it up. He learned it from someone else. And true nobility is truly this.
It's, it's not about being better than anyone else, it's about being better than you used to be. So I, that's my goal. And I know that's your goal too. That's kind of what I live with every day of my life. So I wrote a song that really talks about that. So I do about, I don't know, 60 seconds of the song during this presentation. But it's not just to do the song. The song is to get two students up, potentially three, potentially four, to help me do the dance moves. Well, I'm doing that on purpose. And whether they like the song, I don't care. I mean, I would love if they love the song, but it's not the point. The point is, and I even say that, I go, I wait, I even say this to them afterwards. Now, I'll say, um, whether you like my song or not, it, it's, you know, I would love if you did, but if you don't, I'm not taking it personally, but how many of you agree I got your attention?
And they're like, yeah. I go, well, that's first lesson in, in, when you take speech class in high school, do something to get their attention. And that's, that's the side note. But it's true. And so I, I lead with this. I'll say, how many of you, I wrote this song for two reasons. And the second reason is the true nobility part. But the first reason is, how many of you feel that it requires courage to be willing to step outside your comfort zones at certain times. And they raise their hand. And I'll say, for example, how many of you have ever gone to a, a, a sports tryout or a musical, uh, audition? Everyone raises their hand, right? At some point you've done some kind of tryout or an audition. I go, what does it require to get there? And I'm trying to get them to say, courage.
Cause I just said it 10 times, . And I'll, they'll say, courage. I go, yeah, right. And I go, whether you make the team or make the musical, that's not my point right now. What do you gain from that experience? And I'm trying to get a student to say confidence, because that's what you get. If, when you do something that requires you to step outside your comfort zones, I guarantee you this, this teacher, uh, literally was probably very nervous to tell you, but once she told you there was a sense of relief, and that courage turns into confidence so that maybe, maybe she ends up telling someone else, or maybe she starts going to therapy, or maybe she just gains a certain insight about herself that will allow her to do something that the next day that she never would've thought of doing before. So courage turns into confidence. I think that's important. What do you think about that?
DEANNA
I think I agree a hundred percent. And I think when we do something outside of our comfort zone, it it, it expands our worldview. Okay? So for fifth and sixth grade, um, specifically, cuz I, I start depending on the age and the program, I start programs off with something that catches their attention as well. Um, for kindergarten through fourth grade, I start off with singing, um, my Dreams, which is one of Victor's songs. And then, um, for seventh and eighth grade, I start off with my animated survivor story. But for fifth and sixth grade, I start with juggling my soccer ball. And I, I ask them like, I juggle and they go nuts. And, and if, if I can, I invite a kid up to come and juggle with me. And especially with sixth grade, cuz our theme is self-confidence. I, I, you know, kids kind of go crazy for that.
And, and to see one of their classmates get up there, it kind of blows their mind. And, and occasionally I'll get kids that like, are like, that's no big deal. And I get a little, I get a little bit spicy and I'm like, well, my friend, you didn't raise your hand and you did not get up. And I'm not saying you don't have self-confidence, but they had the push to act on their self-confidence that even if they got up here and they were nervous and scared, they still did it. And I actually bring them back up later in the program about how it takes that piece, that, that push to do it. Um, I think it's very, very powerful to work on self-confidence. Yeah. I I don't think that we're born with it. I mean, you could have kids that will, like, everybody claps when the two-year-old, you know, shoots a ball and makes it into the tiny bucket.
Right? Like they're, they feel excited, they feel cheered on, but self-confidence, actively working on believing in yourself, I think is a skillset we work on. And, and I agree. I think that her coming up to me was probably terrifying and required courage to walk up to. Again, she may have heard me, but I, I am a stranger, you know? Um, but the self-confidence that she built and said, I can do this, and then came up to me again. Right. You know, and, and displayed her vulnerability with me is, is so empowering for me. And I'm the one who's the sneaker. Right. You know? So I, I think it's amazing.
VICTOR
Did you find, if you could remember from the first time she talked to you to this time, was there anything different in her voice at all? Was it,
DEANNA
Uh, so what I remember the first time is, um, both of us got a little bit choked up. Um, but what I remembered from the first time compared to this time is when she first came up to me, I was halfway done packing up my stuff. And so she had come up to me after, I don't know, uh, when I say packing up my stuff, all of our sound equipment, we bring sound equipment with us. So I was probably, it was probably 10 minutes after the program had ended. No one else was in the library. It was just me and her. But she came up to me with other people still in the room this time. And she hugged and she was crying Wow. In front of other people. And to me that shows that not only was she still courageous and self-confident enough to come up to me, but she had no problem displaying that vulnerability for other people.
And she was not whispering and not, not now she wasn't trying to be loud in front of everybody, but it showed that she, she felt more confident in herself to go up and be herself. And I think that's probably inspiring for the kids who saw it. You know, you, I mean, people oftentimes, like, and I always remind people, if someone asks me questions individually, it doesn't mean they went through abuse or it doesn't mean they have an unsafe secret. Some people just like to come up and chat with me. But sometimes when we see someone come up to me and they're emotional, uh, and not, and then that's not a bad thing, but they come up to me, they're emotional, they give me a hug, you know, um, I think we, we get a feeling like, wow, something's going on. And so yeah. I think there was a big difference. Absolutely. Uh, a whole year of her healing has gone by.
VICTOR
Right. And, and, and that's what's another part of this. It's like once you have the courage to turns in the confidence to, to continue living your life at another level, I guarantee you it, it, it, it, it allowed her to be lighter, I'm assuming with a lot of things in her life. And I mean, I know that's, I'm just talking from my experience and Yeah, same. She might be more creative. And it, it inspired her to become at a new level of a teacher. I mean, oh my gosh. She's, she's been doing it for so long. Something that I think about, um, which is kind of a total side. I was thinking about it when you were talking about courage and confidence. YouTube like kind of saved my, my life when it comes to, uh, stepping outside my comfort zone. Now I am not, this is totally side thing, but I think this is so funny.
I, this talks about, uh, being willing to step outside your comfort zone. I am not a handy guy at all. And maybe that's just a label I put on myself. Maybe I am. But I I just grew up in a family where my dad could literally, uh, build a house a hundred percent. I I could put a nail in the wall and the wall would fall down. Um, that's kind of how, that's what happens with me. My brother can rebuild an engine and that he's so talented me, like I have to, I have to get someone to do it for me. But years ago, my, my Dr dryer, it was a, the dryer, no, the washing machine was breaking down. Like it didn't work. But I, I recognize, I mean, I didn't recognize the sound. I, I kind of, uh, described the sound and I went to Google and I'm like, okay, what does this mean?
And they said, it's this part. And I'm like, what does that mean? Well, long story short, I I'm not, I'm a very visual person. I'm not one to redirections. I, I can't, I lose focus. I'm like, what does that mean? But you show me how to do it and I'm gonna do it. So I ordered the part, I went to the, the website. I ordered the part, I get the part, and it's deep down in the motor of this washing machine of, I, I just look crack up because here I am, probably someone would've come out and fixed it in maybe an hour. It took me a full half a day to take the whole part up apart, you know, take it apart and to find the part. And I took the part out and it was cracked. I'm like, that's the problem. I replaced it with the new one and took me another two hours to put it back together. And YouTube showed me my, my point is that I, I literally finished that job and went, holy cow, I did this. Now it did break down maybe a year and a half after, but I got another year and a half After.
DEANNA
I was gonna say, you got another year and a half off Of it.
VICTOR
Yeah. Yeah. But that's my point though. I mean, here we talk about some really heavy things. Simply just doing something that like, I would never, ever try in a million years just because number one, I have no desire. Number two. Um, I just don't think I'm good at that. But I'm like, you know what? I, I said, you know what, why spend 400 bucks on a repair guy to come out? Let me try to fix it myself. And I did. My point is the courage turned into confidence. And, um, it's allowed me to put in, uh, garbage disposal
DEANNA
To place your plate on your stove. You had to do that. Remember?
VICTOR
Tell me again, what did I do
DEANNA
You it and at, at, not, not your last house, but the house before that. Oh
VICTOR
Yes. Oh yes, Yes. I know.
DEANNA
I, we Forgot. Did you, did you repair your wall or did you pay someone for that? When I kicked a hole in it.
VICTOR
Oh. And Deanna fell down the stairs and hole in the wall. Um, no, I had a guy do that. I, I couldn't, uh, I couldn't do that. I, I could have done it, but I'm not, you know, that's a, you
DEANNA
Didn't wanna, you know what, you didn't wanna sink a a whole day into it and you were selling your house. You wanted it to look real good.
VICTOR
Exactly. Exactly. So our point today with this episode, I know we kind of went off on a tangent there, but I think part of the healing process is truly having the courage to get to a place where you're able to share. And if that means, you know, with one person or with a therapist, or with a group of people like we do when we present, um, I, I just think the, the, the lesson here is it's hard to heal when you're keeping everything locked up inside. You know, I can, you function a hundred percent. I mean, look at this woman for 69 years. She's functioned and she's probably pretty happy, I'm assuming. Right.
DEANNA
And yeah,
VICTOR
she loves with her Teaching.
DEANNA
And it was obviously she was adored the kids.
VICTOR
Yes. Yeah. So, but the point is, is that I, I think she's lighter now and I think she's got more confidence in herself. I mean, obviously from last year to this year, of course she cried cuz it's emotional for her. But you could just tell she was, you know, able to talk about it with more confidence. And I think that's
DEANNA
What today and I think Yeah. And I think that we could absolutely. I still cry sometimes about everything. Sure. And I've been on my healing journey now. I started openly talking about it in 2012, you know, and so, uh, 11 years now, that's, that's a long time to, to have healing. And, and it's because healing is not linear. Yeah. You know, but, but the confidence to come up to me, the, the courage to share it, it's, it's amazing. And, and the courage to do something new, you know? Um, and I, and I love, are you talking about like getting outside of your comfort zone? Getting out of that box? Um, I, I had a, a kid today that, uh, we were talking about, you know, when I first shared about my abuse and, um, they're like, oh, oh, so you, at 20 years old, you told the world.
And I said, no, I didn't. At 20 years old, I told my boyfriend, who's my husband now, and it took me years to find the courage to share with the world, but I didn't have to share with the world to change myself. I didn't have to travel the world to change the world. I had to change what was my world at the time, right. Which was no longer living with unsafe secrets. And that took courage. And then, and then, you know, some people don't ever revisit their story in a public way. And you don't have to, you don't ever have to do that. But to share with someone that can support you is amazing. And we just decided to, you know, kick it up a notch and share with other people to help them.
VICTOR
Yeah. And that's, and that's, that's exactly it. I mean, I always tell kids, you don't have to do what, like eighth grade presentation. I always talk about you. And I say, you know, she's now sharing her message, but that doesn't mean you have to do that. It's just, that's what, that's what's right for Deanna. So, um, this has been a really great, uh, empowering, I think, uh, podcast today. I think we really should send something to this wonderful teacher and, and do something for her. I think it'd be very, very cool. We'll talk about that. But, um, yes, we, we have a tool that we created, and I was thinking about this while we were talking today. Um, if, if we really in, I firmly believe it's helped me, uh, along my healing journey, it's my animated survivor story. And if any of you are interested, you could go to our site and sign up to get yours created for you. And we walk you through a process and it's really cool and it's, it's an actual animated story that you are telling about your healing journey. Whatever it is, it can be anything. So if you're interested, you can go to animated survivors story.com and feel free to reach out to us and, and if you're interested, something you wanna do, uh, it's a great tool. Um, I just thought I'd share that. Any last words, Deanna?
DEANNA
No, not really. Um, I will say as far as like, and like learning new things, I mean, you guys, you can go back and look at my old makeup looks, my old videos. You can see I, I might be fairly good and understand my eye shape and how to do it now, but I didn't understand back then. Right. You know, I didn't, it it took time and, and it took putting yourself out again, like you said, outside of your box. So just like you have sunk time into learning how to do things, there's such a feeling of accomplishment. Um, whether it's with a skill or a, a type of art or, or writing or the programs that we do. Uh, it, there is so much power in sharing and then pushing ourselves to learn something new. So, I mean, keep going, keep healing every day.
VICTOR
Fantastic. All right everyone. Until next time, be present. Be playful and be powerful
DEANNA
And be happy. Be healthy. Be safe.
VICTOR
Bye everyone.
